Child Logic

I didn't get to enjoy my daughter when she was three years old. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I had a one year old also, so life was very busy. I don't remember if she did cute, quirky things. She probably did. She probably also had the unreasonable toddler logic which all parents experience at some point or another. 

Now that my youngest is three, I've had the time and energy to pay attention to him and notice all of his quirks and complications, both cute and annoying. I do enjoy the time when I get to take him around with me by himself and although it's not intentional one on one time, I do enjoy it differently than taking both my children out. 

Last week, we had finished our homework time in the car and big sister was in school. He and I went to get gas for the car and then I asked him where he wanted to go. His choices were Lowe's or Walmart. He giggled from the backseat and mumbled something, but he didn't really give me an answer. So I kept driving. Both locations were pretty close to each other. When I was nearing a fork in the directions, I asked him again where he wanted to go. Again, he giggled and mumbled something I couldn't make out. I told him I would decide and made the executive decision to go to Lowe's.

Now, it's January. It's not planting season. We didn't need anything from Lowe's. But I chose Lowe's anyway because it had been a while since I'd gone. Also, their restrooms are cleaner and the stalls are larger. One of the things we do while waiting to pick up his sister is find a place for both of us to use the restroom. Small perk and hassle of being potty trained, but I'll take it. So Lowe's it was. 

I pulled into the parking lot, parked the car, and opened his door. Immediately, I saw he was about to lose it:frowny mouth, sad eyes, with that I'm-about-to-burst-out-crying face. I asked him what was wrong, and asked him if he didn't want to go to Lowe's. He shook his head. I sighed and told him we'd go to Walmart. It was not worth a fit over literally nothing. So I got back in the car, left the Lowe's parking lot, and was on my way to Walmart. 

About halfway there, a couple minutes after we'd left Lowe's, I saw he had calmed down and was in a better mood. I asked him, "Why didn't you want to go to Lowe's?"

You know what he told me? He didn't want to see the spooky. The. Spooky. That wasn't even at Lowe's anymore because it was January and Halloween was long over. 

The spooky at Lowe's when they actually had it set up.
One of my children loves the spooky and the other doesn't care for it. 

I was relieved he had given me a reason why he didn't want to go to Lowe's, but I was also internally face-palming at his logic. After we'd parked at Walmart, I told him that the spooky was no longer at Lowe's and they'd put it away. I asked him if we could go to Lowe's next time. He nodded his head. Then we headed into Walmart for our normal routine of hitting up the potty and the clearance aisle together. 

Two Decades of Grey: Intro

At the end of last year, my dad said the most real sentence he's said to me in person in a long, long time. 

Wow, you have grey hair.

We were leaving his house after I'd brought the kids over to visit. It was a rainy day so he was holding an umbrella over me as I buckled my children in. For the extended amount of time it took for me to secure my children into the car and for the closeness of our proximity due to holding an umbrella over both of us, my dad noticed. 

On the drive home, I cried. I didn't cry because he noticed my grey hair. I've noticed it myself for decades. I was crying because he didn't remember or he didn't remember to the extent I wished he would have. Because you know what? I showed it to him nearly 20 years ago, and he shrugged it off. 

I was about 14 years old. I couldn't drive myself yet. Somehow, I made the decision to ask my dad a question that evening. I went up to him in the kitchen, the west side of the room. I remember our positions almost exactly. My dad's back was toward our second refrigerator facing me. I was standing next to the corner of our kitchen island facing the breakfast table, adjacent to him. It was evening time, dark outside. The Tiffany chandelier above our breakfast table lit the room with a yellow glow. I went up to him and said something along the lines of, "Daddy, I have grey hair. Can I dye it?" 

He responded, "You have grey hair? I don't see any." I lifted the top half of my hair to reveal where the majority of it was. He took a quick look and shrugged it off. "Oh, that's not that much. Hair dye can irritate your scalp and make you itchy, You don't need it." Little did he know the things my friends said to me at school or how self-conscious I was.

After that, I made a mental note not to share things like this with my dad. I felt so unheard and ignored in that moment. I knew when I could get myself to the store without him, I was going to buy my own hair dye, and that's exactly what I did. I started coloring my own hair in the summer of 2006. 

***

The last time I dyed my hair was December 2022. It wasn't a conscious choice to stop, but I'd already reached a point where I wasn't dyeing it consistently anymore. Maybe only 2-3 times a year. Around the time I would have dyed it, I started having some health problems. And somehow between life and the way I was feeling, I decided I would not continue to dye it. If I didn't feel this way, I would continue to color my hair, but I'm secretly lazy. So these two sides of me have been fighting each other. It's been almost 13 months, the longest I've ever gone without hair dye in almost 18 years. 

I told myself I wanted to write a series about my experiences and memories with regard to my hair. A lot of them are painful. A lot of them are filled with bitterness and anger. But I want to share it because it is a part of who I am today. And I don't know who needs to read and know about it, but someone might. Why else would women join the silver sisters movement on social media? They want to know they're not alone. 

That's something I've had to come to terms with before I could comfortably do this. Because all my life, I was feeding myself emotional lies based on real life experiences: Your grey hair is weird. You're a grandma! Grey hair is disgusting. What's wrong with you? You're so old. It looks really bad. It would look much better colored. Oh, wow, that's a lot of grey. 

I can't even write out these phrases without getting emotional because they're so deeply rooted with individual experiences I've had throughout the last 20 years and they resonate with statements people have said to me. But I picked this year as the year to tell my story and share all the memories I've buried and hidden for two decades. My dad's statement hurt because it took him two decades to understand what I was feeling as a teenager. But I'm not 14 anymore. 

So in this series, I want to take you through these 20 years with me and discover the experiences, the memories, and the unexpected encouragements along the way. 

Beads

My daughter requested a bead kit for Christmas. I was slightly hesitant at first because these bead kits get pricey! Not only the cost, but I was not mentally ready to deal with having loose beads all over the house if she spilled it. We'd already dealt with Legos, scraps of cut paper, paper stars, play money coins, puzzle pieces, foam letter stickers, colored pencils, crayons, magnatiles, mini figures, toy cars, play gemstones, Cheerios, and probably more categories of tiny toys and food I've failed to mention. I did not want to add beads to that list.

Well, I ended up taking her to the store and she looked at a bunch and told me which ones she didn't want and which ones she wanted. I took some pictures, went home, and looked online again to find one to closely match her pre-approved selections from the store. In the end, the one I purchased was not "pre-approved" but I think she was going to enjoy it. 

The package arrived, and it was much smaller than I anticipated. I was very tempted to open it up and look, but I had to save it for Christmas. So I wrapped it up, put it under the tree, and was glad I had an extra long return window with the holiday season. 

She opened it early because we let the kids open some presents before Christmas. She loved it! I know my daughter after all. And she's aligned her heart with the things the child inside of me loves (not intentionally!), so it's pretty easy to shop for her. 😝

She wanted to make bracelets immediately, but I told her to wait a few days. She didn't even try to object and waited patiently for the day she could make bracelets, another cue that I've been blessed with very special children. 

When we sat down to make bracelets together, she had so much fun. She wanted to make one for all her friends at school, family members, and even one for her piano teacher! As I watched her make these bracelets, the little girl inside of me really wanted to make one myself.

So I did!

M💗MMY

It was so much fun making bracelets with my daughter. I was even able to repair a bracelet I bought in high school which had broken in the last five years because the elastic was too old. 

These loose beads were hanging out on the bathroom
counter at my dad's house for the last few years.

Slowly restringing them.

Good as new!

I spent $3.50 on this bracelet in high school and it's not worth much at all, but being able to fix it instead of throw it away was very satisfying. What started out as a one bead kit actually turned into three, but I have been able to partake in the joy and enjoyment of her gift as well. Perhaps I should oblige her wishes more often. 😁 and I've only dealt with a "couple" beads on the floor. 

2023 in Books

This year, for the books I read, I turned them into a giant collage. There's not that many so it won't take you hours to look at all the titles, but I figured it would be a fun visual this year to have my book conglomerate. I'm trying to incorporate some more elementary books, because in a few years, those are the types of books my daughter is going to be reading. I know, I can't believe it either. I can't even believe she can already read words and sentences.

I enjoyed a good number of these. Some were just nice "interlude" books to get to the next one. Most had deep thought, life analysis, and some good life truths. 

I already have a nice long list of holds I'm waiting for from the library to kickstart next year. Let's hope I can make it through them once they get to me. Please let me know if you read anything fantastic from this year. I'd love to put it on my list next year! 

Just Fine

There are many things I did not appreciate about my childhood growing up. Once having my own children, I shaped a lot of my parenting on the exact opposite of the way I was raised. However, there is one poignant moment which has always stayed with me and goes down as the best parenting I've ever experienced.

8th grade was my last year as a straight-A-student. I had just started high school and it was one of the report cards in the middle of my freshman year. I was attending one of the most difficult high schools in my district. High school came like a slap in the face. My report card was littered with B's and even a C or two. The A's were a rare sighting that year with only 2-3 per grading period. 

My report card had arrived and was sitting on the counter atop a pile of mail and advertisements. As we were eating, my dad looked over my report card and asked me one question: Why are your grades so bad?

I responded with a simple, truthful, answer: School is hard.

After that, he put the report card down, we finished the meal, and my guess is no more words were spoken the rest of the evening.

I don't think my dad ever asked me about my grades again after that grading period. My grades stayed more or less the same in sophomore year. Junior year, they started to pick back up again and the majority became A's with a few B's and probably one C here and there. Senior year, I was a straight A student again. 

College was, again, a slap in the face because there was a learning curve to figure out how to balance 15 hours of class spread across 5 days. And to factor in the unspoken 20-30 hours of homework and studying a week for those 15 hours of class. Again, I followed that same trend of struggling immensely freshman year first semester and figuring out in the next 5 semesters which followed. Eventually, I regained my straight A status. 

I have to credit myself for being the kind of student and child who understood responsibility. I knew what to do and when to do it. If it didn't happen, it was because it was out of my ability or I had other priorities - for better or for worse. 

I was reminded of this memory again because I had a student come last week and she seemed kind of down. I didn't pry about it, and we had a great lesson together. When her lesson was over, we had to wait for her to get picked up. She muttered something about her mother "probably still mad at her" and I asked her why her mother was upset. She told me it was because of grades. I sighed. 

I've never thought of my parents as awesome parents who modeled wonderful parenting, but this one memory from my dad still stands out to me today. And honestly, I hope I can deal with the future grades of my children with a similar straightforward attitude. Because I know firsthand the difference it makes and the impression it leaves when you handle a situation with tact.

Sometimes I do wonder if this is how my dad still sees me....
because I know I will forever see my children as my babies. 

And I think, for however much he displays it, he knows I ended up just fine. Maybe better than just fine. 🙂

A New View

Nearly five years ago, we put in new windows for the first time with a company. We were excited. It was fun to get new windows for the house and replace the original ones. But the process was a nightmare. Our first job was scheduled to start in the afternoon, and they didn't even arrive until about 2-3 o'clock in the afternoon. They didn't leave until 8:30 that evening. New windows? Yay. The install? Terrible. 

However, we did enjoy the new windows and ended up scheduling another batch later that year. This install was much better. I requested to be scheduled as the first job of the day, and we were very particular with the installers about details. After this second batch of windows, we were done for a while. 

The windows which have always stood out in our house were our living room windows. We had repainted the wood paneling on the inside when we purchased the house, but the windows stayed the same dark brown frame with grids.

The color difference provides contrast, but I've never liked the grids.  
If it were an actual pure black color, I'd be less likely to complain,
but it was the original dark brown/copper tone.

This year, we revisited the new window conversation. My husband had always said our bedroom was particularly warm in the summer - it was. We have a south-facing window in our bedroom and it would raise the temperature by about 7-8 degrees compared to the rest of the house in the summer. I think after this year, he'd finally hit his limits and wanted to do something about it. So we called three companies and got quotes from them on the same day. 

The first quote was from the same sales rep we'd worked with before, but he had changed companies. We figured we'd call him out and see what the new company was like. It was more or less comparable to our original company. We were feeling pretty good about committing with them but wanted to wait until after the other two quotes. 

The second quote was from the same company we'd worked with before (now with a new rep). I really just wanted to see how their prices compared to five years ago since the economy and pricing has changed drastically in the last few years. He came and left within an hour.

The third quote we scheduled was with a company that had "very expensive" windows. The sales rep we'd worked with before asked us what other quotes we were getting. We told him the companies and when this name was mentioned, he immediately said, "Oh, they will be double our prices." I took this into consideration as I knew they were not going to be the cheapest company. However, I wanted to see what they offered. 

When the salesman arrived, you could immediately tell it was on a different tier of company because he came dressed in a suit and dress shoes. He did his sales presentation, brought his sample window, and we went through more or less the same spiel as the other sales reps. When he presented the numbers, he did something different than the other companies. He gave his first number which was the "actual cost" of the windows, like MSRP. Then he told us he could apply this first discount, and another discount, and then gave us the final number. Yes, it was significantly higher than the other companies, but there were a few different points he emphasized in his sales pitch which stood out:

1. They use licensed installers to install their windows - I'm pretty sure this is a stretch because there is no "license" you obtain to install windows. He had used the examples of carpenters/tradesmen to back up this claim, but I don't 100% buy it. 

2. He talked about the quality of the window and the different parts involved to keep the window insulated. This, I liked. I saw the difference in their window compared to the other window samples we'd seen before as well as the other new windows already installed in our house. I even tried to bend/manipulate the vinyl in the frame, and it was definitely stiffer than the cheaper companies.

3. He sold the install as a "sit back and relax" experience. We are in the stage of life where this is what we want. I want to allow someone to come in, fix or change something for me, and I don't have to micromanage them to make sure they're doing their job properly. If I have to pay a slight premium for it, so be it. 

4. They accepted credit cards on the entire balance with no extra fees. This is huge in today's world because when I can earn credit card rewards and points on my expenses, it adds a huge benefit, even if the actual amount I pay is greater. 

He left us alone to discuss with each other for about 15 minutes. We both agreed, we liked the quality of these windows better than either of the other two companies. However, the number he gave us was much too high. So we discussed what our bottomline would be for us to sign with this company. We arrived at that number and when he came back, we pitched it to him. 

His response was, "Sorry, I can't do that. I've already given you as many discounts as I can." And we understood and let him pack up his things and get ready to go. Then, he stopped mid-packing and said he'd try to run the numbers again and see what he could do to get us our ideal number. He got really close. He asked if we could come up $83. Sure, we could do $83. 

So right then and there, we signed contracts for windows with the most expensive company we received a quote from not intending to actually buy any windows that actual day. I made sure he understood very clearly my expectations: smooth install. no payment until everything was to my satisfaction. best crew assigned to our job. He told us the windows would be ready in about 4-6 weeks, and he was actually right. Only 24 business days later, I received the phone call saying the windows we ready. We installed a week after that. 

I have to give it to him - most of what I asked for was completed without a hitch. Did we hit some bumps during install? Yea, we did. But that's almost always the case and should be the expectation. But I'm quite impressed with the sales rep and his overall demeanor. He handled everything very positively (even though he may have been secretly scowling at me through the phone). But any form of communication with me was made in a way to make me feel like I was the most important item on his agenda. And that is a special talent which even I do not possess. 

And let's not forget, we really love the windows. 

One of the six windows we replaced. These windows do not have window
treatments so it is actually refreshing to be able to see completely out with a well-blended
white frame to match the rest of the interior. 

So how did they perform on their original claims sold by the sales rep? Pretty good actually.

1. The installer - I don't know that he actually had any license, but you could tell he was knowledgeable and knew what he was doing. We had a one-person crew come out to install our six windows and he did it in about six hours. I'm impressed. For the quality of the install and to be able to do it in six hours, you have to know what you're doing and be deft. He did just that. So I'll give it to them - at least one of their crew is a competent installer. 

2. I already felt the quality of the windows on their sample, but once installed, still nice. I also was able to see the fit of the windows during installation, and they fit very well for the measurements taken. I have a feeling one of the previous window installs we did with the other company did not do a great job of measuring....

3. Honestly, the install was as close to a "sit back and relax" situation as it could have been. I don't think I can ever fully relax when someone is working in/on my house, but it was almost. I was able to get other things done and not feel like I had to constantly keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't cutting corners. And if you know me or have read my blog, you'll know we've had our fair share of working with contractors and the full gamut of "quality" that exists. 

4. It's true, they don't require completed payment until everything is done to my satisfaction. I've currently not paid yet because they have to come out and fix some things from the install. 

Everything in this experience has told me that spending the extra money to go with a different company instead of the cheapest one out there is worth it. This has been my mentality lately since having children because spending the time on extra hassles isn't worth saving the money. 

About the children....what were they doing for six hours while our windows were getting installed? Well, they wanted to play outside, but they didn't like the noise or want to be by the installer. So they moved all their "furniture" to the other side of the house and set up shop by themselves. 

They're so creative 😍

Starred Forever

I was cleaning out my emails and un-starring emails which were no longer important. As I unchecked the star for a bunch of emails associated with the music association from previous years, parent emails which weren't relevant anymore, and other no-longer-important emails, I came to the very end of my starred emails. The last email was dated April 24, 2017. 

I refused to un-star this email. To be honest, this email is not relevant to me anymore, but I wanted to keep it starred because this email marked the end of a three-year span of my life where her presence was in it. She was the epitome of elegance and poise wrapped around graciousness and compassion. She dressed up for the office everyday with slacks and some kind of blouse or blazer. She wore heels and walked around the office in them like she was 30 years younger than her real age. She had the kindest voice and handwriting which was both difficult to read but also impressively beautiful. She didn't eat avocado. I don't remember her ever saying a harsh word about anyone.

I still remember the day I found out she passed. It was about 20 minutes before my first lesson in the afternoon. I stood in my bedroom staring out the window. I couldn't stop crying, and yet, I knew I had to because I was about to face a 9-year old in my home studio and I wasn't about to explain why I couldn't keep it together. She didn't have a fancy service or anything. She wouldn't have wanted one.

There was a time after where I'd see her in every major chord I taught in theory. You see, the major chord abbreviation my students are asked to write as an answer for their tests is MAJ. Those were her initials. I could never see the letters MAJ without thinking about her. As the years passed, MAJ started to revert back to just meaning a major chord, and the memories of her once again were tucked away. But I keep this email starred because it's a reminder of a beautiful part of my life with her in it everyday I went to work.