Twice

My maternal grandmother died twice in my life. Let me explain.

During the year I lived overseas, my dad had called me one evening and told me my grandmother had died. I froze and said, "No, this can't be right." I freaked out and started emailing, calling, and texting various family members (besides my dad) from the internet. It took two hours, but I confirmed my grandmother was in fact still alive. I even managed to call my grandmother and talk to her. What actually happened was that my sister-in-law's grandmother had died. My brother informed my dad he was going to New York for the funeral, and my dad misunderstood it as our maternal grandmother as she lived in that same area. 

But in my heart, I felt it. For approximately two hours, I was living the grief of what I would feel when she died. This was the first time. 

The second time, she actually died. 

I was getting ready for bed that evening and I went to close my computer. In the corner of my email, I saw a chat message pop up. It was from my aunt. She told me my grandmother had died. It was May 1, 2014, ten years from the day my mother had died. 

When my grandfather died, I missed his funeral. I had told myself I would do whatever I could to make it to my grandmother's funeral. I missed her funeral, too.

It was a decision I made on my own, and sometimes, I wonder if it's something I truly regret. At the time, I was working as a special needs assistant to a kindergarten-aged girl. I was hired privately by her mother. Her mother was a preschool assistant at another school. If I took any days off, her mother would need to take days off to take my place with her daughter for the day. 

This put me in a hard place when my grandmother died because if I had taken the days off to go to her funeral, the mother would have had to take the same number of days away from her work to assist her daughter in my place. I had already taken one day off, the day after I found out about my grandmother's passing, because I had stayed up most of the night crying. I would have been very ineffective had I gone in to work.  

In lieu of going to her funeral, I made a video sharing my words which was played at the funeral. I rerecorded it so many times because I couldn't stop crying to say anything. 

Over a decade later, I still think back to these decisions I made. Sometimes, I wish I had done things differently. Sometimes, I think about how things could have been different but don't trust myself to have been able to make a different decision.  Would you view the decision in this situation as selfishness for choosing your own desires over the desires of someone else? Or would you view it as commitment to family, dedication, and love over commitments to job obligations?

I wrote down the last conversation I ever had with my grandmother face to face. It was about 10 months before she died. I'm not sure what caused me to write it down. I think a part of me knew deep down it could have been the last time I would see or talk to her in person. 

*Translated* 

 Grandma: I heard you're leaving soon.

Me: Yeah.

G: Where are you going?   

Me: Back to Dallas.

G: To start school?

Me:  No, just going home. 

G: Where?

Me: Dallas.

G: I wish I could help you.

Me: You don't need to help me. I help you. 

G: Yes. You always help me. 

March 2010

What I don't regret is the time I spent with my grandmother. My freshman year of college, I spent spring break visiting her. She had just had her stroke. The summer after my freshman year, I spent two months living with her.  The summer after that, I went back and visited for about two weeks. I didn't go the summer I graduated because I was getting ready to move overseas. This was an intentional choice I made, and I'll never forget the blessing of getting to see her the year after for another two weeks.

For my grandmother, spending the time I did with her when I could was important. And I did. For the special needs girl and her mother, showing up to work as her assistant was important. I think in this light, I was able to do what was important for both sides when I needed to.  

My dad didn't make an attempt to go to either of my maternal grandparents' funerals. He did however attend my cousin's wedding. I have lots of thoughts in this regard, but not now.

 ***

Wang Fu Yu, aged 97, passed away peacefully on May 1, 2014.

Fu was a high school teacher prior immigrating to the United States in 1968. She taught Chinese and History in Taipei, Taiwan. After moving to the US, she devoted her time to her family. She enjoyed traveling the world with her late husband and cooking exotic food for her family and friends.

She was preceded  in death by her husband, Chih Chiai Yu in 2005, and her daughter Donna Yu in 2004.

Joy

We watched Inside Out finally because one of our children was shown part of the sequel during childcare and I figured I should know what my kids are watching even if we're not with them. I borrowed both from the library and we watched the first one. If you haven't watched the movie and you don't want descriptions of it spoiled for you, you probably shouldn't read this blog. 

It's a good movie. I really enjoyed it, but it definitely hits differently as an adult. While the children are gravitated toward colorful glass orbs of different colors and laughing at the goofiness of the characters (and the one who gets dragged around by her leg,) I was processing how Disney so perfectly displayed the essence of how memory works in a make-believe land. 

It was sobering to see how Riley's initial islands were all destroyed due to changes happening in her life. I think if we're all honest with ourselves, our main core childhood islands in our lives get destroyed too. There's definitely moments in my life, some which are core memories and I still recall, which destroyed my islands of family, friendship, and pillars of my childhood. At the same time, I have new islands with new "themes" from my life today which are holding strong and thriving. 

Seeing the cleaners vacuum old memory orbs for the pit was sobering. I have countless memories which have faded away over time and been forgotten. When you think about all the forgotten events and happenings, some of it is sad because at one point, they were seemingly very important and significant. I had written about this in a previous blog about my journals. Without rereading, I would have forgotten many details of that semester of my life. 

I believe the biggest theme in the movie, one purposely emphasized, was the importance of joy. This would be pretty easy for most children to pick up. The hidden theme beyond that was the importance of sadness behind the joy. My guess is you'd have to be age 14-15+ in order to begin to understand this one. If anyone had kids who understood this theme after watching the movie, I'd love to know what age they were!

Sadness is necessary in order for joy to truly shine through. I didn't get a lot of things I wanted as a child because they were deemed "unnecessary" or "not useful enough." To be honest, if it's necessary or useful, there would almost never be a discussion on whether or not to buy it because you always would. As an adult, I've been adding new memories of joy to rectify all the sad ones. I've blogged about a number of them here. Two which stand out in my memory include Cinderella's slipper ornament and a pair of flats. 

This year for my birthday, my husband gifted me an entire set of miniatures. I'd seen these (in Taiwan?) somewhere and thought it would be so cute to own the entire set. I contemplated it for a while and then tossed away my thoughts. Miniatures were just little figurines to be displayed and looked at, right? I didn't need them. They would just take up space. These fell under the "unnecessary" and "not useful" category. 

Well, I opened them for my birthday, and it was a fun surprise. But the real surprise came after we were able to display them.  

I love walking by this display in our bedroom and taking a closer look at it each time I pass. I get a sense of joy and warmth from looking at these miniatures. The detail put into these is incredible. The tiny glasses of lemonade have removable lids and straws. The hand on the scale actually spins around. 

I secured everything into the case with museum gel so nothing would tip over or fall if someone sneezed wrong. Seeing my own miniature display brings me back to when I saw miniatures in museums. The Art Institute of Chicago has one downstairs, and we went to the Miniatures Museum of Taiwan this summer. I feel like I have a small piece of the museum with me.  

You can arguably measure the usefulness of an item, and you can arguably measure the necessity of an item. But it's hard to gauge the joy of an item. These are subjective and will differ from person to person. Sometimes, joy is a longer lasting factor than the usefulness or necessity of something ever will be. I find lots of things useful and necessary, but very few of those things bring me joy the way these miniatures do.