Wisdom

I was having a conversation with my daughter yesterday. She was telling me she wanted to live with us at our house forever. I told her I was fine with that, but she'd have to contribute significantly.

Me: You know the water you use while washing your hands or brushing your teeth? You know how you like to leave it on for a long time and run the water? Who do you think is going to pay for it later?

S: Me?

Me: Yup! And you know all the yummy food you get to eat right now? Who do you think is going to cook it later?

S: Me?

Me: Exactly! And you know all the clean bowls and plates and cups you get to eat and drink out of right now? Who do you think is going to wash them?

S: Me!

Me: Yup!

S: Does this mean later I can yell at you and you have to listen to me?

Now this question made me stop and think for a second. There are a lot of things I reprimand my children for right now and rightly so as they are learning how to be competent people in society. Perhaps I don't always do it in the best execution possible, but it's coming from the desire for them to be intelligent, independent, and capable. 

But I stopped and prepared my answer carefully.

Me: Yes, but can you yell at me nicely? 

S: How do I do it nicely?

Me: It means you can talk to me normally and use a louder voice. 

😂

I've actually thought about this before I had this conversation with my daughter. One day, my children will be smarter than I am. I actually want that. Whether or not I will appreciate it is a different story, but I want them to be smarter than I am. I want them to be more capable than I ever was. I want them to be successful in all the ways I was and more. And if all this comes to fruition, it would mean I have succeeded at parenting. And if all of this comes to fruition, it would mean they will see my flaws and reprimand me.

My forever babies.

I actually already see this in practice in small ways. My children are only grade-school age but they're already showing budding signs of wisdom. The most common occurs when I ask them a question along the lines of, "What do you want?". They respond to me with what they want, and every now and then, I respond and tell them they can't have it.

This is when they respond to me with the most true and annoying response: then why'd you ask me in the first place?

They are absolutely right. If I had something in mind, I should have just told them, not asked them for their choice. As annoying as it is to hear this response, it reminds me that I didn't think about my words before I spoke them. 

I am someone who upholds others to high standards. I also uphold myself to these same high standards. So when this happens, I either apologize and say I shouldn't have asked, you don't get your choice, or, I give them what they picked instead.  

I've been watching this play out with my dad for years. I don't agree with many of his choices for various reasons, and I also cannot change his decisions. But it's hard to sit back and not say anything, especially when I think there are better options that he's not choosing. Making decisions out of fear or desperation usually doesn't yield the most wise choices. 

Does he see it as my wisdom? I don't know. I wish he would, but that's not my choice either. 

The Lifeline

My children love playing outside and I love letting them play outside. I had posted recently about our backyard transformation which has allowed our children so many hours of fun outside. 

One of the things I've been able to do is to put potted plants on our patio. This way I can grow my plants, move them as the weather changes, and my husband doesn't have to do creative mowing between pots if they were sitting in the grass. 

I can't remember why anymore, but one day, I allowed my children to use my gardening scissors outside to cut something. I told them what they could cut and then let them loose. Well....as kids are, they started cutting some things which I didn't say they were allowed to cut. For the most part, it didn't bother me. However, I later realized my son had cut all the pink flowers off of my plant and put them into his bucket.

 

 

His gesture was sweet and genuine - he liked the flowers and he wanted to cut them all off so he could collect them and save them in his bucket. I read a book in college about this mentality gone wrong. In a four-year-old? Cute. Grown man? Inappropriate and disturbing. I don't remember there being anything graphic in the novel itself, but if it were not in my list of required reading for my class, I would never have thought to read it. 

My son got an earful from me about how I didn't say he could cut the flowers off my plant. And how flowers die when you cut them off the plant because they are separated from their life source. Their outdoor play ended shortly after and we all went back inside.

That evening, I was outside for something completely unrelated and I noticed the plant was already starting to push out new buds. You can see the little pink beginning to emerge and blossom.

 

Plants are resilient. They will grow back given the proper environment. I actually took my son out the next morning to show him the plant and the new flowers that were growing on it. I think he was semi-scarred I was showing him the plant he wrongly cut so he got weepy again. But in no time, he was outside playing as normal and forgetting that he ever cut them in the first place. 

I'm still learning as a parent that reactions are more memorable than actions. I myself am a product of a childhood of negative reactions, ones I hope not to pass down to my children. It's an uphill battle, one I lose more often than I'd like to admit. But this plant was a reminder to me: if you are connected to the lifeline, you will grow and renew.
 

Punished for Promptness

I’ve been someone who likes to get things done on time. My English teacher during my junior year of high school had a wonderful system where if we turned in our essays before the due date, we would earn five extra points because it allowed her to spread out her grading instead of receiving and grading 30 papers all at once.  You bet I capitalized on those bonus five points every time. I didn’t always write phenomenal papers, but those five points occasionally meant the difference between a B and an A. 

However, there've been three distinct times in my life when being prompt did not work in my favor. 

1. When I was in high school, we wrote essays for orchestra. Each year we got assigned our orchestra essay in the beginning of the year, and each year, most people would wait until about April to actually write them and turn them in before they were due. In April. The first year, that's kind of what I did. I was a freshman and I didn't really know what I was doing my entire freshman year. Sophomore year, I knew better. I planned the concert I'd attend and would write about and had everything done early. On the first day the teacher was accepting essays, I turned mine in. There was no special recognition or anything for being the first, and that's okay because I didn't expect anything. I was simply glad it was completed.

About a week later, my teacher had some candy and she randomly made the announcement that if anyone turned in their orchestra essay, they'd receive a piece. Nobody had their essay ready right at that moment, but I'd already handed mine in, and I did not receive a complimentary piece of candy for having already turned it in. I didn’t care about the candy. It was never about the candy. But why make a random statement a week later AND forget about the essay which had already been turned in? Maybe she didn't want to single me out. But if you're going to offer candy aren't you trying to single someone out?

2. Years later when I was at a conference, the director emailed about sending him rooming requests for the hotel. I sent him a reply with my roommate request that very same day. I never received a confirmation email from him saying he'd received my email, but confirmation emails get lost these days. So, fine. I didn't think about sending a follow up one to see if he'd received it because he was a busy person with lots to do. 

At the conference, I saw my room assignment and it was not rooming with the person I had requested. I didn't complain about it or tell anyone, but my friend and I knew something went wrong and it wasn't on our end. 

3. I purchased an item from a newly launched website to support a business. I received my item and was generally pleased with it. After a few months, I noticed the prices had lowered. Now these weren't temporarily lower prices. These were permanently lowered prices as far as I could see on the store's website. Including the special promo discounts which were still valid, I could have saved over $20 had I been lazier about supporting this business. That's a huge disappointment from a customer perspective because my fervent support upon the initial launch meant I paid more money. Shouldn't it be the other way around? 

It's a shame because I was going to buy more products, but after this happened, I haven't because I don't feel valued as a customer. My early loyalty was actually penalized. 

**

My memory is probably better than most to remember these seemingly minute details about life, but even the "insignificant" events shape me to be who I am today. Have these affected my perception of being prompt and timely? In some ways, yes, they have.

For the Love of Vegetables

It makes me so sad that so many of my childhood memories revolve around conflict and troubles. I don't think that was the intention or goal, but unfortunately, it is what it is. One of these memories involved spaghetti.

My mother made spaghetti, but being the wonderful mother she was, she wanted us to eat our vegetables. How did she add vegetables to spaghetti? She cut it up into cubes and added it into the sauce. If my memory hasn't failed me, the vegetable she attempted to add was cucumber. Now you might be thinking, cucumber doesn't really belong in spaghetti. And I'm right there with you. It doesn't. And I didn't want to eat it. And I wasn't an anti-vegetable child. I just didn't want cucumber in my spaghetti. So I picked it out, didn't eat it, and a really big conflict ensued in our house. 

That's another story. And this was over 20 years ago. 

***

I made spaghetti this week. We hadn't had spaghetti in a while and it was an easy dinner, so I made some. We also had an abundance of squash and zucchini at our house which needed to be used before it went bad. I'd already been roasting it in the oven and even experimented with baking zucchini chips. So what did I do?

Yup, I added that zucchini and squash into my spaghetti. But unlike my mother, I did it with tact and caution. 

1. Blend it in.

My mother failed to blend it in. I know she wasn't trying to hide it, but if you're more than simply cooking food to eat, you would understand that food texture and shape has to be similar enough to blend or different enough to provide contrast. Adding cucumber to spaghetti? Definitely needs to be similar enough to blend in. You DON'T want your cucumber providing contrast in spaghetti. And my mother failed to do that. 

I, on the other hand, understood. So I julienned my zucchini and squash. And it blended into my spaghetti beautifully. My three-year-old and one-year-old both ate it with no complaints. 

2. Quantity Matters.

When adding a "foreigner" to a normal recipe, you can't overpower the usuals. I made sure not to add too much to keep it in the background of the dish. To go with my one pound of sausage and one pound of pasta, I added half a zucchini and half a squash. It turned out to be the perfect amount. I was actually thinking to myself as I was cooking that I may have been able to get away with a little more if I wanted to. But it was a really nice amount.

As much as I love my mother and as much as she took care of us, cooking was not her forte. I learned very little about cooking and food preparation from her. I watched cooking shows instead and put my tv time to good use. Jacques Pepin has always been my favorite. She always said, if I was going to watch so many cooking shows, I might as well learn something from it and cook. 

Yes, Mother. 

The Other Woman

The summer after 8th grade, my dad took my brother and I on a road trip. We drove Northwest and visited Yellowstone National Park, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, and probably some other parks and landmarks I'm missing. My brother and I were your typical teenagers. We would sit in the car and listen to our music or play on the computer while my dad drove. 

At the end of this scenic road trip, we ended up in Kirkland, Washington. At the time, in my head, we were in the middle of nowhere. We'd never ventured this far northwest before, and I didn't know anyone who lived there. But my dad did. At the time, we'd hear him talking on the phone at night on the weekends for an extended period of time. We didn't know who he was on the phone with, but we were old enough and keen enough to be able to make some inferences.

I remember my dad pulling onto this street and telling us we'd arrived. We were parked in front of a house I didn't recognize in an area where houses looked different than what we were used to seeing in Texas. We grabbed our suitcases and walked up to the front door. A woman opened the door and let us in. She took us downstairs to the basement where we'd be staying. Of course, the only thing we cared about was if there was wifi and how to log on. And she did that, too. Great.

The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast together. All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast. We didn't do this at home when it was just the three of us. Each of us ran on our own schedule. My dad went to work. We went to school. And on weekends when we were home, we were all in our own little world. 

All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast for two hours. I can't remember what we ate for breakfast that day, and I know I finished eating probably after about 30 minutes. And that was stretching out my eating. For the rest of the time, she and my dad talked. We maybe replied to a question occasionally, but most of the time, they talked to each other, and we sat there and watched and listened. I can't remember how breakfast finally ended, but my brother and I felt very very awkward. 

One night, we all went to Red Lobster for dinner. She and my dad sat next to each other in the booth and my brother and I sat next to each other across from them. We ate dinner, and once again, most of the conversation was had by the two of them while my brother and I sat quietly, ate, and listened. The rest of the dinner is fuzzy, but I remember thinking to myself: We look like a normal family of four, a father, a mother, a son, and a daughter, eating dinner together.....but we're not.

After dinner, she took us to a park with a path along the shoreline. We walked for a bit, and she pointed out that this was the dry side of Washington. If we crossed the lake to the other side, that was Seattle, the wetter side. 

We left Washington and continued the rest of our road trip back home. We drove through Colorado and stopped at Arches National Park. We went to see the cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde National Park. Both of these were great parks. I didn't near appreciate it as much then as I would now if I went back, but we also didn't explore either to their full extent.

After coming back home, my dad asked us at dinner one night what we thought of the woman in Washington. Neither of us said much. We didn't know what to say. Did we like her? What does it mean to like her? As a person? As the role she would fill? Did we even want that role filled? Time passed and the phone calls stopped. We never heard anything about her after that. We never went back to visit. To this day I can't remember what her name was. 

For the last 12 years, someone else has taken over that "spot." And throughout these years I've been learning more about myself, my grief, and the sore spots you shouldn't mess with ever. And sometimes, I remember all the way back to when we drove out on a random road trip to meet a random woman I didn't know. And however awkward it felt at the time, I now realize, that would have been fine. The awkwardness may have remained in a way, but everything would have worked together much better.  I didn't know it at the time, but I liked the other woman. I liked her poise, her personality, and who she was. I discussed this with a friend, and he phrased the exact revelation I came to in such an elegant way.

She was self-confident and mature, and she understood her potential role in your life. Yes. She did not pretend to be something she could not be.

I never wanted another mother much less a stepmother. I never wanted another grandmother for my children. I never wanted someone to waltz into my life and fill the hole. The hole is still there. It always will be. I wanted someone to be a companion to my dad and realize that she was nobody special to me unless I wanted her to be because those are separate roles. And I wanted her to realize even if I never wanted her to be anyone in my life, that was okay, and to let it be okay. 

I liked the other woman. 

A Slice of Time

When I think of losing my mother as an event, it's usually a sad and somber memory. It reminds me of how short our time was, the things I wish I could have changed, and the life we will never get to share with each other. But at the same time, I'm reminded of the wonderful memories and the people who were able to share them with me in the year which followed, fondly remembered as 8th grade.

1. 

I had a friend drop off a teddy bear for me at my house. She didn't come in or anything, just left it for me. She told me later she wanted me to have something to hug or hold when I was feeling sad. It was very sweet of her. She wasn't the emotional/sentimental type. She didn't wear her emotions on her sleeve. She was very hard to read. But she dropped off a teddy bear for me after my mother died.

2. 

A few of my friends made my 14th birthday very special. They decorated my locker at school because that was how friends showed their appreciation for you in middle school. It was the first and only time I'd ever had my locker decorated. They used purple plaid wrapping paper with gold ribbon. A picture of a teddy bear was glued onto it along with some fake flowers, and they'd written Happy Teddy Bear Day instead of Happy Birthday. They knew me so well, and although a little embarrassing, I really loved it. After taking it down, I kept it in my bedroom at home for several years because it was so special to see what my friends had done for me. 

3.

My dad hired a nanny that year. She picked me up from school and then prepared dinner for us while we waited for my brother. After he came home, she'd finish cooking and leave around 5:30. This way, I was never at home by myself. It was a little strange at first, having a nanny as a teenager. Unfortunately, it was short lived. She wrecked her car one afternoon on the way to pick me up. That was the last day I saw her because she wasn't getting another car and therefore could not fulfill her duties. Ironically, it worked out better (in my opinion) because I began to carpool with a friend, and I had about an hour to myself before my brother got home from the high school. Almost every Monday and Wednesday after that, I would spend the first 45 minutes at home talking on the phone. It was nice. Being home alone, talking on the phone with a friend, enjoying my freedom. I was still a straight A student and finished all of my work on time. But that was fun, getting to do something myself without needing to ask permission.

***

I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis from middle school anymore. Am I friends with some of them? Yes. And if I ever ran into them at the store or on the side of the street or by chance in another city, I would definitely stop and say hi. But despite the radio silence, they have a special place in my life which even my husband does not have the honor. They are the people who lived with me through this life-changing event when it occurred. They were the ones who would have AIM conversations with me after school. They were the ones who sat with me in the cafeteria at lunch. They were the ones who knew who I was when it happened, as it happened. And all of those moments are forever sealed in the capsule that is "the year after my mother died."

I don't wish to go back to the year after my mother died. Although fond memories, that's all they are. But these people. These people get to be a part of my memories. I hope they know how special they are for the memories they are a part of. 

Two Zero Two Zero Resolved

At the beginning of 2020, I set out with three goals for the year. You can read my original post here. It also explains why I don't do resolutions anymore, but I intentionally think about some mental goals to ground myself for the year.

Here were my three goals for 2020:

1. Finish my cross stitch.

2. Find a new work life balance.

3. Keep my sanity.

Did I accomplish all three? I did, actually. It wasn't always easy, and this year certainly wasn't a straightforward one, but I did accomplish the goals I'd set for myself.

1. I finished my cross stitch.

I won't go into detail about it here as I already wrote a post on it back in June when I finished it for my mid-year check in. So that was a great accomplishment considering I'd finished it after having two kids to look after. Now my next goal is to get it framed and hang it up in my son's room as I had originally intended. That should be a goal for 2021.

2. I did find a new work life balance.

Covid really did me a huge favor on this one. After having my son, the world took a big pause and quarantined/locked-down for about 6 weeks, and even after that, life has taken on a different pace. I did cut my maternity leave very short and returned back to teaching when he was merely 6 weeks old, but it was teaching online without needing to clean the house to be presentable for students. For the first 5-6 weeks after returning to work, I was teaching 7 students a week. It was great. I felt like I had the mommy routine and teacher routine down. In June, I added a few more. It was still doable. Then in August when the new school year began, I added some more, and next year, I'll be adding a few more and considering my studio full once again.

At the beginning of the year I had huge fears about how I was going to breastfeed my baby (assuming my body cooperated) and have my work schedule as well as watching two children. Because of the way this year panned out, I was able to exclusively pump, have an ample supply to feed him and freeze a stash, and have surplus to share. 

3. I did (for the most part) keep my sanity.

To be honest, staying at home and refraining from social gatherings did not affect me too much because I'm an introvert to begin with. I don't really enjoy large groups or crowds so being at home was doing what I enjoyed, for the most part.

It wasn't until about August when I started to really feel the "blues" of being at home all the time. There were just days when I wasn't motivated, didn't want to do anything, and lacked drive. Part of it was not having places to go as a motivator to get my day started. 

One of the outlets I was able to use as a "pick me up" was organization. Like everyone else, I watched The Home Edit, and although not inclined to organize my bookshelves by color or rolling my scarves, it made me want to organize our house.

So we did. We bought all sorts of products and organized our pantry, a built-in cabinet, kitchen drawers, bathroom drawers, and our closet. No, we didn't pay anyone $250 an hour to come do it for us. Yes, I bought a lot of clear storage containers. Yes, it was still expensive. 

Was it worth it? Yup. 

I grew up with a super frugal (and potentially incorrect) mentality that spending money on something to put what you already bought with money into is useless. Well, now that I'm officially in the 30s age range, it's finally clicked that organization is worth it because it changes your perspective and mindset.

That's for another blog. 

Here's a sneak peek at one of my favorite
drawers, newly organized this year.

I hope you were able to reflect on your year and find some silver linings through all the "unprecendented-ness."

Bye 2020. ✌

Household Tricks: Part 2

Today's household tricks will be tricks I've found in the kitchen. If you didn't read part 1, you can find it here. 

1. Wash grapes in baking soda.

I've always liked grapes, but I've always hated that waxy coating on the outside that never seems to come off. I've never bought any fancy fruit and vegetable washes, but recently, I bought grapes, and I really wanted to get the waxy coating off. So I did a quick search online and found my answer: baking soda. 

Before: waxy grapes from the store straight out of the packaging

I give the grapes a quick rinse first and then I pour some baking soda on them and shake the grapes around. After that, I rinse off the grapes and they're ready to go. The waxiness on the outside is visibly gone and they actually taste different. I can't not wash my grapes in baking soda anymore before eating. It makes that big of a difference.

After: look how shiny they are. And they actually stay this shiny!
It's not reflection from water.

2. Wash strawberries in vinegar.

Strawberries are a huge hit at our house. In the summer during strawberry season, we average four pounds of strawberries a week. Next summer we're going to have four people eating strawberries at our house. 😳

I can't taste the difference in this one, but I've done this religiously since I first learned about it. I know tik-tok had a viral video about soaking them in salt so the fruit worms come out...I don't know if that's completely necessary. If someone has done that with organic strawberries and still seen the worms come out, I wouldn't worry about it so much.

3. Remove coffee and tea stains from mugs with baking soda.

Baking soda is a bulk purchase in our house. We buy the 15 pound bag from the wholesale store and it lasts us years. I'm never buying the small 1 pound boxes from the grocery store ever again. This trick I discovered on my own with some prior knowledge. After the weather turned cold, I pulled out a mug I hadn't used in a while to make some tea. Upon inspecting the inside for cleanliness, I noticed dark stains adorning the inside of the white ceramic mug. My first attempt at washing it with dish soap did not work and then I remembered baking soda. I poured in some baking soda, scrubbed it a bit, and voila! Back to its original color!

I could elaborate on baking soda for so much more, but we use it to clean everything: our stovetop, our sink, the oven, removing stains from unsealed countertops, in our laundry, and so much more!

Let me know if you've ever used these tips or if you have any of your own! Stay tuned for part 3 coming soon!

Household Tricks: Part 1

2020 has been one wacky year. At some points, it was terrible. At some points, it was ok. But mostly, it's a wash for the books. My mind is mentally stuck somewhere around May and June...so the fact that I have two mobile children eating real food still phases me at times.

Despite all of the unsettling, upsetting, and plan-ruining 2020 has ushered through, believe it or not, there has been time for personal growth and learning as well. Primarily for me, there's been a lot of household tips and tricks I've added to my mental collection. Here are a few of the ones I've specifically learned in the year 2020.

These are my top tricks I use at home for removing stains.

1. Dawn takes out grease and oil stains on clothing.

One day when I was cooking, I swirled the pot to coat the meat with the slowly thickening sauce. As I swirled, one of the pieces of meat rolled around the pot and splashed a nice circular pattern of grease onto the shirt I was wearing. Do I have aprons? Of course I do. Was I wearing it at that time? Sadly, no. Who knew spending 10 seconds swirling a pot of simmering meat in sauce was going to cause me over 10 minutes of extra work. 

It wasn't a special shirt or anything, but it wasn't one I was willing to give up or wear stained. I have three long-sleeved t-shirts that are my go-to at-home comfy shirts in the winter. They're not too formal to where I'd wear them to work, but they're also not too casual to where I couldn't leave the house in one. This was one of them. 

I rinsed the shirt under water and soaked it in a bucket before the next load of laundry. After washing, I hung it up to dry so the stain wouldn't set in case it didn't come out. It didn't come out. That's when I googled how to get grease stains out of clothing and discovered Dawn! Or maybe just dish soap. I lathered up my shirt on the stain with my Dawn and washed it again. 

And the stain came out!

And then I also realized I should have tried spraying it with my stain remover spray I use on the baby's clothing. But now I know. If you don't have stain remover, try Dawn!

2. Saline solution (or contact solution) removes blood from fabrics and stuffed animals. 

My daughter woke up with a nosebleed in the middle of the night. Of course, being two, she freaked out and rubbed it all over her face and it dripped everywhere and I was trying to get her to hold still and stop moving. And, of course, it got onto her favorite stuffed animal on the part of his fur that is white. So what did I do? I grabbed some tissues and my contact solution and started dabbing her penguin. Cause let's be honest. Nobody cares about the clothing or the bedsheets. The most important article to clean? The stuffed animal, hands down. 

And it worked great. It worked so well that the next morning when her daddy looked at the penguin, he couldn't even tell where the stain had been. High five for mommy! 🙌

So the next time blood gets on a precious stuffed animal (or precious clothing if that's your thing,) grab some contact solution and dab away! Keyword: dab.

Stay tuned for more tricks around the house next time!

Momma's Boy

 When I found out I was pregnant the second time around, I was actually hoping for a girl. The practical and efficient side of me thought: How great would it be if I could reuse all of the old clothes again and not need to buy anything new!

Their due dates were 5 days apart, although my first was 6 days late, so due date for #2 was actually the day before #1's birthday. My morning sickness was just as bad if not worse than the first time. The seasons of my pregnancies were going to be identical so no need for new maternity clothes. How perfect was this? 

Well, as all things go, you can only plan so much. I ended up buying some maternity clothes anyway because I didn't buy a single maternity shirt the first time and stretched out a few of my regular shirts...sad day. Unfortunately, I can't wear those now anymore without looking a little too boxy. And, of course, we were having a boy instead of another girl.

I wasn't disappointed when I found out. Surprised, maybe, cause with all the pukey feelings and food aversions, I really thought it'd be another girl. But we were having a little boy. It actually brought a new excitement to this pregnancy. If I really didn't need to buy new clothes for this baby, we would have essentially spent $0 on baby things (not counting diapers) for our second. Not a bad thing to save money, but it takes the fun out of it. 

So last Thanksgiving and Christmas, I got to do some online shopping to purchase clothes and stock up on the basics. A few months later, we said hello to our little boy and bunkered down for a few months as the epidemic began. It's a good thing this wasn't our first baby. We did a lot of last-minute shopping for baby things with our first, so we had more than enough this time. 

I'll never know if it was because he was a boy, or he was our second child, or simply his temperament is much easier, but he's been an absolute dream from the beginning: started sleeping through the night around 2 months old, eats on a fairly predictable schedule, falls asleep on his own without needing to be rocked or held, and doesn't have a spit up problem. We'd been trained by one of the neediest babies ever, so it seemed, so when I experienced the feeling of laying a baby down in a crib, walking away, and finding him asleep 5 minutes later, it was like a miracle had happened right before my eyes!

But that's not even my favorite part.

Sometime between 2-3 months old, he started to do a happy squirm wiggle giggle whenever he'd see me after a prolonged period of time. This would happen if I went in to get him after he woke up from sleeping or if I walked away for a little bit and came back and looked at him. I don't ever remember my daughter doing this, and it is absolutely the cutest thing ever. 

My daughter is still the needier child, but she will always be special to me for some very personal reasons, and I'm thankful to have a daughter. But I'm also thankful to have a little boy whose face lights up in delight when he sees me. 

This is not how his face lights up when he sees me...but
this is one of the very few pictures we have together.

Plastic Bags

For the first time since I can remember, we're running low on plastic bags in our house. We've always had quite a collection from grocery runs and I've had to go from tying them into a knot to folding them neatly like little football triangles so we can fit them all in our pantry. (Who else out there knows what I'm talking about?)

First, let me explain why we don't use reusable shopping bags at the grocery store. I've never made a priority to bring my own bags because we actually use the plastic bags stores give you to bag groceries for other uses. All of our trash bags in the bathrooms and kitchen are lined with grocery store plastic bags. We do not purchase specific plastic bags for the trash* cans. Why buy something and use it once when you can get something and give it at least two uses in its lifetime? Even if grocery stores started charging a nickel or a dime for each bag, I might still pay occasionally for the bags because I know I get other uses out of them. 

*We buy one pack of the tall trash bags for our 13 gallon trash can and it lasts us at least four years because we only use that trash can for large objects or when we throw parties or large gatherings. In fact, we purchase plastic trash bags so infrequently that when Walmart changed their packaging from 50 bags to 45 bags, I actually noticed. Consumers beware: inflation doesn't solely come in higher prices. They get sneaky and keep the price the same and drop the quantity. Trash bag quantities are not the only item I've noticed had this happen.

I asked my husband one day why plastic shopping bags at the grocery stores were seen as such a "problem" when the plastic trash bags you can purchase and use at the grocery store are not. We came to the conclusion that the majority of people do not reuse plastic grocery bags. Our guess is they end up being littered or thrown away after arriving home without any second thought. 

I actually prefer the smaller 4 gallon wastebaskets for trash and t-shirt bags from grocery stores or takeout fit perfectly in them. We fill it up about once every 2 days, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, depending on what I'm cooking. If we used a large 13 gallon trash can in our kitchen, I think it would smell sooner than it would fill. This makes a huge difference any time I'm cooking fresh meat or shrimp. You want to bag the packaging up and take it out ASAP.

I try to use any (clean) plastic bag which enters into our home at least twice if possible. In some cases, you really can't, although my toddler really likes to play with the bubble wrap plastic packaging from some packages for a few days, so I count that as a second life. Some companies even ship their products in plastic bags with a second sticky seal on it in case you need to use it as a return package or use it for something else altogether. I have definitely found second uses for these types of plastic bags.

An example of a reused bag with a second sticky seal which I used.
Anyone want to take a guess what's in this bag?
Hint: It's not a package to be sent out and it's not something I'm keeping.

Bags that can't find second uses in our home (any bag that has ventilation holes in it, any bag that's torn or ripped, or any bag that is an usual shape and can't be reused, etc) will end up in a recycling pile to be taken back to a store to be recycled.

I'm all for using resources wisely and reusing/recycling instead of trashing. If you don't believe me, ask me what we do with the cold water from our bathroom while we wait for the shower to heat up. We also reuse our old laundry detergent containers as well as cooking wine bottles just to name a few. If there's a way to reuse something, I've probably done it or have thought about it. 

So, for now, we're running low on our plastic bags. It might mean we need to go on another grocery store run (that isn't Costco), or, it might mean we need to pull out the big trash can for a while. 

Happy Six Years!

Today is our six-year anniversary. In these six years of marriage, we’ve broken six glasses, five bowls, and one cutting board. I wish I could blame it on the kids, but they’ve actually had no part in our broken kitchenware. Yet. There will be plenty of time for that. 

Our wedding day. Taken by Victoria Liu

It’s been a fun six years. Things haven’t always been rainbows and butterflies, and we’ve had our fair share of disagreements and conflicts, but we have a lot of fun. These are six ways we've been able to enjoy each other's company and continue to have fun with each other. 

1. Be goofy together. 

We have lots of inside jokes together such as flying juice boxes, "cheers" popsicles, and pregnant belly dance moves. These are what make the classic stories to pass down to generations to come.

2. Don't fight over chores. 

It's really silly to fight over something that takes 5-10 minutes to do. We don't do 50/50 in our house. I have both cooked and washed the dishes on many occasions. My husband has also cooked and cleaned, mostly during the months when I had morning sickness, which has now happened twice. Fighting about not wanting to do it would probably cost us up to an hour or more. Not fighting about it and just doing it would probably save us 30-45 minutes at least.

3. Go on adventures.

Adventures don't have to be glamorous trips involving flying across the world to visit exotic places.  We've had many adventures consisting of driving to Walmart and browsing the clearance section for 30 minutes. Unfortunately with the current health concerns, we may never view these adventures the same or be able to do them, but we thoroughly enjoyed them, especially during our pre-kids years. Hopefully someday, the art of shopping in stores can become a leisurely past time again instead of a necessity for food. 

4. Eat good food.

Whether it be going out for takeout or cooking at home, good food can't be beat. It's so satisfying to be able to enjoy a good meal together. 

5. Look at each other. Really. 

Take some time every now and then to look at each other. We see each other all the time, but how often are you intentionally looking at each other? 

6. Hold hands

We don't get to hold hands much anymore. Between pushing strollers, holding children, and carrying bags, there are no free hands left to hold unless they belong to tiny people. When we actually do get to hold hands now, it possesses a newness to it that's almost strange. It doesn't happen often. If you're not someone who likes to hold hands, then...don't, I guess.

I've really enjoyed this extra time during quarantine/staying at home that we've had with each other. Most of the time it just involves doing more of the everyday things together: cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, eating meals, etc.

And now, I'll leave you with six more fun facts about us/our relationship.

1. When J was younger, he wishfully wanted to marry someone who had a grand piano. This indeed came true!

2. J says I was somehow able to traverse the friend zone. I hope he's glad I did. 

3. I grew up with a last name of 3 letters. It got shorter after we got married.

4.  J liked penguins. I liked teddy bears. Now we both like penguins.

5.  I thought I'd leave Dallas after college, and I did for a year. But, I found a reason to come back and stay. 

6.  We both joke that we definitely wouldn't have dated each other if we had met earlier or grew up together.

Happy Anniversary to my favorite person.❤️

Two babies and many extra pounds later, we still fit our wedding attire!

Mamalogues: Happy Birthday, Mommy

Today would have been my mother's 66th birthday. Sadly, she didn't even get to turn 50. 

We often look at age as a curse - we think of it as getting older. We think of it as our life getting shorter and our days being numbered. None of this is wrong, but it's definitely looking at it with the glass half empty. Age means you've lived longer. You've learned more. And most importantly, you get to experience and witness more out of life. 

Raising kids without my mother is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and may ever have to do in my lifetime. I love looking at pictures of my babies and watching them change over the months and years and grow up. I love watching the way their faces and expressions change, and I've even purposely captured pictures of their screaming faces. Because I simply want to remember someday when the sleep deprivation and repeating myself 100 times a day stops. But at the same time that I love looking at photos of my children and the memories we're making together, I'll forever know that my mother will never be in them. Not one photo of my children will ever include her. 

I've shown pictures of her to my daughter. We went through a phase where she'd look through photo albums while eating her meals as a way to bribe her for bites. I pulled out some of my old family photo albums and showed them to her. She could pick out my dad and refer to him with no problem. But of course, she didn't recognize the other woman who appeared in the photos. I didn't go into detail now as she won't understand nor am I ready to explain to her. But one day, she will ask. Or I will choose to share with her. And that's going to be a hard day. She's going to look at this stranger and think to herself, "I don't know who this person is." And I'll have to tell her: "She's the grandmother you never got a chance to meet. 

***

After my daughter was born, I really missed my mother. My daughter was quite the handful of a baby. We were tired. And most of the time, we were just guessing at what we were supposed to do as new parents. I wondered what it would have been like to have my mother there. Chances are, in all honesty, illness aside, if my mother were alive when we had kids, she would have probably given me a little too much advice, done things in ways I didn't appreciate, and gotten on my nerves a little bit. And that would have been totally normal. But knowing what I do now, wishing that I could see her holding my babies would make those annoying moments worth it. 

Since having my son, I've wondered what having my mother around would have been like. It's hard to envision because she was so sick the last few years of her life, I don't remember my mother doing normal day-to-day activities. I don't remember her cooking. I don't remember her cleaning. I don't remember her sitting down and having a conversation with me. 

What do I remember? I remember administering her shots. I remember helping her drain fluid from her lungs and cleaning the area where the tube was inserted and re-bandaging it up in a way that was comfortable. I remember being careful which way to coil the tube so she'd feel it the least. I remember her saying she liked it best when I did it rather than when other people did it. I remember watching her take packets of pills everyday and swallowing them with food rather than water, because if she took a sip of water with every pill, she'd fill up and never want to eat anything. 

You know what else I remember? I remember the days when I was selfish, and I didn't want to help her. I didn't want to spend the 20 minutes it took to drain the fluids and re-bandage the area. I wanted to get on the computer and talk to my friends. I wanted to watch my show on television. 

I was 11 or 12. 

***

My mother and I weren't close. I didn't have deep, meaningful conversation with her. In the 9 years I had with her as a healthy person and the 4 years I had with her while she was sick, I remember my mother as the person who took care of the house. The person who picked us up from school. The person who washed my hair. The person who cooked. The person who disciplined me. The person who took care of us when we were sick. 

There's lots of things about my mother which I believe she did wrong as a mother. A lot of my parenting philosophies were based on things I didn't want to do because I was the product of them. My mother's personality is still within me, and there are moments when I feel myself become her as I parent my children. But I'd like to think I removed the parts of her which scarred me and took all the best parts of her and made them better. I hope my kids do see me as the person who takes care of the house, the person who picks them up from school, the person who washes their hair, the person who cooks, the person who disciplines, the person who takes care of them when they're sick. But more than that, I want them to see me as the person who loves them and cherishes them and supports them. 

Regretfully, I don't have many good memories with my mother. And because she was sick, the last memories I do have with her are tainted. But that doesn't change the fact that we loved each other as a mother and daughter do. 

Happy birthday. I miss you. 

"Terrible" Twos

My daughter is two. Are the twos as terrible as they're infamously named? In some ways, totally. She, on occasion, wakes up from her naps screaming hysterically, and we don't know how to calm her down. Sometimes this lasts for 15-20 minutes. 

She likes to play the "I don't actually know what I want" game. Not familiar with it? It goes something like this:

S: I want ice [in my water]!

Me: Ok. *adds ice in water*

S: No. No. No ice.

Me: 🤦🏻‍♀️ *Takes away bottle. Dumps out - refills water only. Hands back bottle*

S: Ice! Ice! Ice!

Me: Are you kidding me?! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

She likes to sleep with her door open, but if it's not open enough, she'll scream at you to open it more. 

She needs all her stuffed animals lined up in a particular place and way under the blanket and if they move even the slightest bit (even if she moved/kicked them around), she'll start crying for you to come back and fix it.

Are you exhausted yet? That's just the start.

**

On the flip hand, she amazes me at how helpful and capable she already is at just two years old. She can help me unload the clean clothes from the dryer into the basket, and sometimes, she'll even drag the basket to the living room for me to fold if she's feeling extra cooperative. She can help me bring bags of light items from the grocery store into the kitchen for me to put away. She can turn on and off light switches when asked to. She can retrieve items for me when requested. 

So is she really that terrible as a two year old? 

Sometimes. The answer is sometimes. 

**

It's the year 2020. We've only had a handful of years with two 2s so far: 2020, 2012, 2002, 1922. Unfortunately, many people started the year with high hopes, only to have them be squashed. Some would say it's been a terrible year. It has indeed been a year filled with uncertainty and unrest.

Color Blind

With staying indoors and going out less, I've been using electronics a lot more with my daughter. Part of it is she's a picky eater and I have no patience to try and cajole her into eating without the assistance of something she actually enjoys. The other option is reading a book to her over and over and over again, which normally I wouldn't mind. But, if I'm in a hurry or I want to eat too, or I'm managing the baby at the same time, it doesn't quite work.

I tell myself what I show her is educational: library story-time, cooking shows, songs from Veggie Tales, or video clips of our friends and their children.

We watched a Reading Rainbow episode a few weeks ago. I grew up watching the show many afternoons at 1 pm or 1:30 pm, whatever the original air time was. She's really into Arthur right now so I picked the episode where they read Arthur's Eyes. It's the one where Arthur couldn't see and got glasses, was embarrassed about needing glasses, and eventually, embraced them in the end.

After reading the book, the show incorporated a series of different worldly applications of some ideas taken from the book. In that episode, one idea he mentioned was being color blind. Levar explained what it means to be color blind and the test for color blindness. He showed a few pictures of the colored circles with numbers inside them. He also mentioned another kind of color blindness.

"There's another kind of color blindness the kind that has nothing to do with your eyes. Has to do with your mind. Not with what you see but how you see it. Has to do with your heart. Not with who you see. But how you see them. People come in all kinds of sizes shapes and colors, and when you see through the skin on someone's face to the person underneath, then you're colorblind in the best possible way."

That episode originally aired on July 27, 1983. It is very unfortunate that in the last 37 years, we have cumulatively moved forward very little in this regard.

Let's be color blind.

Cream Cheese

One good thing that’s come out of this quarantine for a lot of people has been a chance to explore and experiment with cooking and new recipes. I’ve seen lots of people sharing photos and stories on social media about baking their own bread, making pasta from scratch, and even attempting a homemade Beef Wellington. We haven’t experimented with cooking nearly as much since we’ve had our hands full with a newborn, but we did make one thing we’ve never done before: homemade cream cheese.

Bagels and cream cheese is a favorite in our house. Unfortunately, we’re not very good at aligning the two foods together in our possession at the same time. We usually get our bagels in bulk from one store and our cream cheese from a normal grocery store. What ends up happening is we have cream cheese. We buy bagels a short while later, and then we run out of the cream cheese and have too many bagels left.

The other food “problem” in our house is milk. Only one person drinks milk in our household of four. But the amount of money to buy a half gallon is like 75% or more of what it costs to buy the whole gallon unless it’s on sale.  Usually I end up using some in recipes (biscuits, pancakes, cake, etc), but even then we’ve thrown out a good amount of milk gone bad at times.

Enter cream cheese. I googled how to make cream cheese one day and came across this recipe that used whole milk.

I won’t post the whole recipe here, but I’ll provide a shortened explanation with pictures of how it’s done.

Ingredients:

1. Whole milk
2. Vinegar or lemon juice 
3. Cheese cloth
4. Food processor ( I know this isn’t an ingredient, but without it, it’s pretty much impossible to make.)
5. Salt 

Instructions:

Bring milk to a simmer.

Add vinegar (or lemon juice) to curdle.

Strain Curds.

The bottom is whey.

Blend in food processor.

Add flavorings and store. This one is blueberry.

I bought these small mason jars when my daughter was younger and used them to store homemade baby food for her. We still use them now to make her breakfast overnight oat portions, portion canned fruit (vs buying the fruit cups), and I look forward to using them a second round for baby food!

And they make the perfect cream cheese containers :)

Valid Concern

My Chinese has never been very good, but by some miracle, I've been able to keep most of my speaking fluency and some of my reading abilities.

After my husband and I found out we were expecting two and a half years ago, I made a mental note that I would speak solely in Chinese to my child(ren). I knew early on that my children would only be as good as or worse at Chinese than I was, so I was going to have to work really hard to pass on as much as I could.

Now, there was a second factor into this situation: my husband! Unfortunately, his Chinese skills when we got married were not very good. When people asked about his language skills, I'd have to explain to them that his parents were fluent in too many languages, and because of that, he never got to really focus on anything other than English. It's also just really hard to pay attention in Chinese school as a kid growing up: I'm guilty of that myself. 

One day in the car, this conversation popped up, and it was noteworthy (and funny) enough for me to share it with his permission:

Two years later, I have to say, teaching my daughter Chinese hasn't felt like very much teaching at all because complete immersion is the best way to learn, and she has been completely immersed since she was born. I also have to say I've never actually pushed my husband to learn Chinese from me. Sure, I've joked with him about it here and there, but I've never sat him down and told him straight up: you will learn Chinese and I will teach you. We maybe had one evening when I taught him colors. :) 

Our daughter really started talking and took off with her language skills around 18 months. I will never forget the day I was laying in bed one morning, pregnant with my son, and I see my daughter come walking through our bedroom door to my side of the bed. She came up to me and said very clearly, "妈妈起来.” Mommy, get up. And with that, I was wide awake, getting up, and amazed at how fast my daughter was growing up right before my eyes. 

When she started speaking more, I noticed my husband would ask me what certain words meant as I said them. I would tell him and he'd say it a few times. I'd correct him if it was way off in pronunciation, but for the most part he was close. 

Slowly, he picked up phrases and started saying them more: 洗澡， 吃饭， 睡觉， 过来。

And now he's saying even more phrases and even getting close to using complete sentences: 最后两口， 躺好换尿布， 你的 (object) 在哪里,  穿衣服。

Toddlers learn language so quickly at their young age - it's absolutely amazing. My daughter will say words or phrases during the day and I'll ask my husband, "Where'd she learn that from?" 

And he usually always replies, "I don't even know what that means so she didn't learn it from me!" 

Of course, she learned it from me, but I didn't realize she could remember so much of what she had heard me say. 

There was one day I was speaking to my daughter in Chinese and then I turned to my husband to ask him a question. I almost asked him in Chinese, not having completely switched languages in my head, but I caught myself. 

Unfortunately for him, her language skills will surpass his - they probably already have - and chances are, they will be better than his for her entire life. She's got the advantage of time on her side. However, I am very proud of him for learning as much of the language as he has in the last year two years. However valid my concern was two years ago, I am not concerned anymore. One of these days, I may not have to catch myself to switch languages, and he may even be able to reply (in Chinese!)

All Diapers Are Not Created Equal

In the middle of this quarantine, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, hand soap, paper towels, disinfecting wipes, and disinfecting spray are just some of the items which fly off shelves and are nowhere to be found. Not so high on the list because the population who needs them is smaller would be diapers, baby wipes, and formula.

We got lucky and stocked up on diapers with no intention of being in quarantine for 1+ months after our son was born. How did this happen? Last September, I bought a Groupon for a Costco membership which included extra perks of coupons. One of the coupons was a $25 off $250 purchase online only. I didn't intend to use the coupon because when was I going to spend $250 in a single transaction online at Costco? The coupons didn't expire until the end of February 2020, so I held onto all of them including that one, but didn't think much of making an online purchase.

Fast forward to early February. That flyer included a sale on Huggies diapers. I finally had an epiphany that I could use my coupon towards buying diapers since that was an impending need for the next year or more of our lives, and we were going to be buying diapers for two for an unspecified amount of time as well. So we front-loaded our diaper purchase and were able to use my coupon.

A week after he was born, I came across a Facebook Marketplace post for free diapers of assorted sizes, and the seller was located a mere 10 minutes from us. My husband went out to pick up these diapers and they sat in our garage untouched for about 3-4 days to let any virus/bacteria presence die off, hopefully, if there was any.

One morning, I went out and sifted through the diapers, sorting by size and brand so we could organize them to use in an orderly fashion. I used empty diaper plastic sleeves which I had saved (that's another story...) and lined up the diapers to form essentially an entire box of diapers = probably over 100. The majority were size 1 with a little bit of newborn and size 3. We were able to use the size 3 for my daughter, and my son used up all the newborn and we're currently using up the size 1.

Now, if you don't already know, diapers come in a wide variety of brands and price points. The inexpensive diapers are inexpensive for a reason and typically aren't the ones you want to buy. My favorite brands for the budget would be Huggies and Kirkland diapers. Both can be found at Costco, but I'm not trying to advertise.

The diapers we got for free did not include either of these brands, but included a wide variety of other brands. Here is a photo I took of all the different brands placed side by side.

These are seven different brands of diapers (I think) with seven different styles/cuts. I took a second photo with three very distinct diapers and various differences in shape/style.

As you can see, the diaper on the left is shorter compared to the two on the right. I actually compared it to a different brand of newborn diapers and they were almost identical in size. The two diapers on the right are approximately the same in height, but the width is visibly different and one is skinnier than the other. 

I could go into much more detail about the elastics on each one, and which ones have pockets, but that's a conversation we should have privately if you ever want to discuss different diaper brands and which ones I think are better.

Remember:

- a cheap diaper is not worth it if it causes leaks 

- an expensive diaper is not the best just because it costs the most
- fancy brand names with big reputations don't mean anything

Main Takeaway: If you're having a baby for the first time and don't know what brand of diaper to get, or are curious what brand of diaper to get, consult someone who has used diapers before, or read blogs online to see what other moms have preferred. Don't simply find what's on sale and stock up or trust a big brand. DO experiment yourself with various brands if you have the luxury to be able to do so.

Happy changing!

Two Zero Two Zero

14 years ago on New Year's Eve, I started writing predictions. It was what I thought the next year would bring in my life and some notes on teenage thoughts regarding those around me. Mostly who was dating whom and the drama of high school. The following year on New Year's Eve, I would read what I had written the year before and then write a new one for the next year.

Props if you know what television series I got this idea from.

I kept up this tradition for the next 9 years and then stopped after that. I stopped partly because I simply forgot to write a new one on NYE and partly because it lost its meaning and purpose. As I reread ones from the early years, they mostly sound like a teenage girl writing about high school drama. Later, I became more sophisticated and they were more appropriately categorized as "predictions".

In the last few years, especially since having children, I've found myself being envious of others for their accomplishments, successes, and adventures. I see my friends with their doctorate degrees, friends who travel the world whether alone or with significant others, friends who design and execute their own DIY projects, and friends who simply just look like they have it all together. I know social media tends to glamorize only the positive aspects and paints an extremely skewed image of real life, but this is just how I feel.

Is anyone out there envious of me in my part-time working full-time motherhood lifestyle of craziness? I count a day when there's food to eat, clean laundry, a presentable house to teach out of, and keeping my daughter alive as a huge success for a day's work.

I don't make predictions anymore and I don't really have resolutions, but there are things I'd like to get done and accomplish without trying to be too ambitious or unrealistic.

1. Finish my cross stitch.

Now if you've kept up with my blog, you may remember a post from 3 years ago about a different cross stitch which I completed. This is another one I started a few months after completing that one. The image is the silhouettes of two children blowing bubbles between two trees. I bought it before I left China in the summer of 2013...and well, here we are nearly 7 years later. I've made some progress on it but the time to sit and focus on my cross stitch is few and far between now. Ironically, the two children pictured are a girl and a boy, and how appropriate it would be if I could have this completed and hung up in my house....soon.

2. Find a new work life balance.

When I career changed 3.5 years ago, it was the scariest and best decision I'd ever made in my life. Yes, people must've thought I was crazy, and even I thought I was crazy. There was a lot of learning in the beginning and finding my way, but I've been incredibly blessed in being able to build up my own business from nothing. I'll never forget that first month when I made less than $300. It was terrifying, exciting, and humbling.

After having my daughter, I thought I'd have to reset and start over to some extent. To my surprise, I was busier than even before I had her. This last year and a half of work has been the busiest and most enjoyable. Having to take another maternity leave really stresses me out to think about. And I haven't wrapped my head around how continuing to work untraditional hours with two kids will be feasible.

3. Keep my sanity.

When I think about last year, I don't remember a lot. It's not that I didn't do anything or that I didn't keep my sanity, but it was a tough year.

• we took an international trip with a 1 year old
• I mentored a college freshman for a summer
• morning sickness round 2
• lots of sleepless nights with the toddler
• new retaining wall and fence (not DIY, thank goodness)
• new windows for the house (not DIY either)
• 2 road trips

Kids change daily so much when they're young so you never truly feel like you have things figured out for more than about a week or two before something changes again. And my daughter, as cute as she is, is a handful. Keeping my sanity? Not easy.

But there are still moments when she'll actually cuddle next to me and stay calm and not squirm, and her face is of peaceful wonder, and I just watch her and think to myself, wow, you're beautiful. I can't believe you're mine, even for just a little while. 

So if you've got it all together and things are going great, maybe stop once in a while to help me keep things partially together? Taped? A little?

I'll go put a few stitches into my cross stitch now.

Year 15

It was at her four month pediatrician visit. We were wrapping up and just chatting when he caught me off guard.

"So what does your mom think of her?"

I felt time slow the way it does in movies and my thoughts felt dragged out for the mere seconds it actually was, my face giving off a deer-in-headlights look.

I stammered back, "My mom?"

And he's like, " Yea, your mom," with that tone of "of course I'm talking about your mom. Who else would I be referring to?"

And then I lied. Sort of. Or I answered as if I were talking about my mother-in-law. "Oh, she thinks the world of Sasha." When you've just been caught off guard and aren't prepared and your face has already given off a bewildered look, somehow in the spur of the moment, I just couldn't justify dropping an even larger bomb on him by saying, "My mom died when I was a kid."

He doesn't remember her, but he's met my mom, and somewhere in his head he probably knows it because he knows he was once my pediatrician.

When I get wrapped up in my thoughts, the emotions are different now. Most of the time, I feel a sense of relief and thankfulness that I can do my own thing and my mother isn't going to nit-pick at the way I mother my child. If my daughter eats a leaf or some dust off the floor, I just watch her and shrug it off if it's not dangerous. If a toy falls on the floor (in certain places), I just pick it up and give it back to her - and nobody tells me it's dirty and I shouldn't do that.

But there will always be that hole when I watch her interact with people, even family members, and I'll forever be reminded that my mother is not one of them.