Top Secret Writing

Today is Lou Gehrig's birthday. It's a random fact I came across when I was doing some fact-checking for this blog. I'm not a baseball fan and I've never been, but I know the generalities of his fame and I know he had a disease. Most people know it as "Lou Gehrig's disease", but it's actually called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. So why is he actually so poignant in my memories? 

***

We were taking a test in 8th grade. My teacher specifically said, "After the test you can do whatever you want," because all they really want you to do is stay quiet and not disturb anyone else. Well, they also don't want you to cheat.

I took my test, didn't talk, didn't cheat off anyone, and turned it in. Then, following my teacher's directions, I pulled out my planner and started writing. It's what I did in 8th grade. I'd write little journal entries or random stream of consciousness in the empty dates we didn't use in our planners - fall break, Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas vacation, etc. These were my secret diary entries. Back then, my planner had some teenage top secret writing. Why did I do this? Because it was something I had with me at all times. It ended up being the most convenient place to jot down random thoughts.

My teacher saw me writing in my planner, got up from his desk, and came over to the side of my desk. Without framing anything, he said to me, "Show me what you're writing." 

Now I'm sitting there, and knowing what I was writing, I said, "No." I had my hand gently covering my planner and looked at him. He may have asked me again, but I don't remember. What I do remember is him grabbing my planner from beneath my hand and reading it. 

My hand smeared the pencil I'd just freshly written.

He read it, gave it back to me, and said, "Oh. It's just a journal entry of some sort." He walked back to his desk, sat down, and the testing resumed. (I doubt any cheating had actually happened during that ordeal, but if it did, it was the most opportune time for it to happen because he clearly wasn't watching the rest of the class.)

I remember what that journal entry was about, not in crystal clear details with vivid descriptions, but I remember why I wanted to write it down. I'd had a dream the night before. In that dream, I had Lou Gehrig's disease, and I was in a wheelchair. 

And that's it.

This event forever changed my view of this teacher. What once was an enjoyable class where I made decent grades turned into dread at having picked a seat right in front of the teacher's desk. (We NEVER changed seats that year BTW.)

Here's what should have happened.

The teacher should have come over and asked to read what I was writing. I would have responded, "No." He should have told me to take my planner and go with him to the corner of the classroom where he could still keep an eye on the rest of the class. Then, he should have asked me privately, "Are you writing down answers from the test?" I would have responded, "No." And he may have followed up with requesting to see my planner to make sure I was being honest. Then, I would have begrudgingly shown him my planner in order to prove my honesty despite not wanting anyone reading my private thoughts. He would have seen what it was about, realized I was not cheating, and we both would have returned to our desks with no less dignity than we started. 

But, alas, that is not how it played out.

***

I no longer have my school planners anymore. I got rid of them a while back during a cleaning purge. I didn't catalogue or save any of these journal entries hidden throughout the pages, but that's okay. What's important will be remembered in its own way.

How do you want to be remembered? 

We're Painting Again: Part 3

We finished painting my studio shelves! It's been about a month now. Since we finished, I had to wrap up another school year of teaching, finish making my student recital video, we took our first road trip in over a year and a half (this time with TWO children), and then I had to get ready for my summer teaching schedule.

I'm so happy with the way it turned out. Is it perfect? Nope. It was definitely one of my faster projects and I rushed through some parts. Also, with all the rain we've been having, paint dries pretty slowly so painting the cabinet doors and shelves was a little difficult to maximize brushes and paint. I actually put on two coats of primer and two coats of paint in 5.5 hours. 😳 

Don't ask me to do it again though, I'm not sure I could unless it were 100 degrees outside

So how does this compare cost wise to hiring out? Let's take a look.

I'm assuming that a professional painter would have quoted me anywhere from $750-$1000+ in addition to the cost of paint to complete this. And it would have taken about 3 days. I'd mentioned in part 1 I would not have allowed them to use a sprayer to paint this despite it being the quickest and easiest way to do so because I have a semi-concert grand piano in the same room. So for simplicity and estimation, I'm going to use $1,000 as the cost to hire out and get this job done.

Here's a complete list of materials and their complete cost. Different retailers price differently so these are the approximate actual prices we paid from various retailers:

Zinser Primer 1 gallon: $24

Benjamin Moore Paint 1 gallon: $60

24 Paint Rollers: $10

Zibra Paint Brush: $10

Painting Pyramids: $12

TSP Cleaner: $6

1 roll of Painter's Tape: $3

Sanding Materials*: $5

Wood Putty: $5

Paint Pourer: $1

Total: $136 + tax : $150 to round up.

*we already had an orbital sander and sanding sheets to use which saved us so much time with this project. The other option is to buy sanding blocks which is what accounts for the $5.

Let's take a look at the actual cost of materials for this specific project though. 

Zinser Primer 1 gallon: $24 --> actual used was 1/4 gallon: $6

Benjamin Moore Paint 1 gallon: $60 --> actual used was 1/5 gallon: $12

24 Paint Rollers: $10 --> actual used was 3 rollers: $1.25

Zibra Paintbrush: $10 --> this was a new cost. so actual is still $10. but this brush is amazing and worth all the money.

Painting Pyramids: $12 --> we bought this when we first started painting so they've been used a multitude of times. we'll call it $1

TSP Cleaner: $6 --> actual used is almost negligible because you dilute the bottle and then spray to clean so we'll call it $1

1 roll of Painter's Tape: $3 --> actual used was probably 1/3 of a roll: $1

Sanding Materials*: $5 --> I clarified above what the $5 means so we will keep it for the actual: $5 

Wood Putty: $5 --> actual used 1/5: $1

Paint Pourer: $1 --> we've used this paint pourer so many times through various projects I think it has earned it's worth. : $0

Actual Total: $38

If you go one step further and actually look at how much of this was new money spent, that would only include the Zibra paintbrush and the 24 pack of paint rollers. So the true actual amount of new money spent on this project was $11.25.

The total number of hours we spent on doing this was approximately 10-15 hours of labor spread across 3 weeks. Considering this wasn't time being taken from anything else we would have done normally, I'd say it's almost negligible. We may have lost some hours of Netflix or browsing our phones, but I think we picked a much more productive way to spend our 15 hours of time. 

Now if you're attentive or extra observant or have experience painting, you might be wondering, there were no paint trays mentioned in the list of materials used. What in the world were you painting out of?

Well I'll tell you. We were painting out of to-go containers! 

Over the years we've amassed so many of these in ever so slightly different shapes that organizing them in our kitchen cabinets was getting to be more annoying than it was worth. So we poured our primer and paint into them to paint. Total cost? $0! (If you want to be super technical, there was a cost to pay for the food originally contained in them, but let's not do that.)

So there you have it, a complete break down of what we used and the total cost of this project. As I've already said, and if you can't already tell, I'm super happy with this project and the way it turned out. 

I need some more shelves. In due time.

We saved ourselves around $988.75! Worth it? Worth it. 🙂

Greener on the Sides

We've always had issues with growing grass in our yard at this house. We bought the house knowing it didn't have a working sprinkler system. Unfortunately, this gets in the way of growing grass, especially trying to grow grass in places which don't already have grass. Over the years, I've stood outside and watered the lawn by hand. We've also purchased a variety of lawn watering gadgets and tried them throughout the years. You know what the best way to water your yard is?

Rain.

Each spring, I love the rain and how much our grass grows because of it. It's been the sustaining factor in keeping our grass alive through the winter and year after year. Yes, I supplement here and there from July-September, but the rain we get in the spring is invaluable for our yard.

This year was the first year when I really thought to myself, this is too much rain. As someone without working sprinklers, the rain is the only time our entire yard gets a good soak. It's really gotten soaked this year. And we could really use some more sunshine to accompany all the rain.

Every year we clean out our gutters and pull out some of the richest compost made with no work on our part except to get it out of our gutter. It's terrible for the drainage, but makes some amazing compost. This year, I took that compost and I dumped it on the side of the house in a part of the lawn that was especially low. There was a tree cut down on the side of the yard before we moved in, and a few years after we moved in, we had the stump ground up. It left a bit of a hole that would sink year after year because of the loose soil and rain. 

This year, I filled it. And with all the rain that's been falling, the grass has been spreading and filling in over the hole all by itself. 

This is the current state of what the hole looks like. As you can see, it's lots of grass and a little hole of dirt in the middle. Every now and then I'll give it some extra water to keep the soil moist, but with all the rain we've been getting, Mother Nature has been doing her own thing. You want to know how big the soil patch started out when I first dumped the compost there?

Everything within the red circle used to be a patch of dirt. I planted no sod, no plugs, no fertilizer, did absolutely nothing except water it here and there along with the natural rain. This photo was taken on June 5, 2021. I'll have to do an update when the entire hole is filled by grass and no more soil is visible.

Sadly, this may be my first successful planting "experiment." I know I've posted about other ones, but sadly, those all ended in failures which is why I haven't updated. The astilbe? Gone. Gardenias? Gone. However, the succulent basket I wrote about in the gardenia post has thrived! 

I'm not the greatest with plants at all. Growing things (as are raising children) is a very hands-on process. I think right now the children have taken priority whether or not I like it. But as they get older, I'd like to spend more time outside growing things, even if it's just filling in the soil patches in my yard with real grass. 

The Other Woman

The summer after 8th grade, my dad took my brother and I on a road trip. We drove Northwest and visited Yellowstone National Park, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, and probably some other parks and landmarks I'm missing. My brother and I were your typical teenagers. We would sit in the car and listen to our music or play on the computer while my dad drove. 

At the end of this scenic road trip, we ended up in Kirkland, Washington. At the time, in my head, we were in the middle of nowhere. We'd never ventured this far northwest before, and I didn't know anyone who lived there. But my dad did. At the time, we'd hear him talking on the phone at night on the weekends for an extended period of time. We didn't know who he was on the phone with, but we were old enough and keen enough to be able to make some inferences.

I remember my dad pulling onto this street and telling us we'd arrived. We were parked in front of a house I didn't recognize in an area where houses looked different than what we were used to seeing in Texas. We grabbed our suitcases and walked up to the front door. A woman opened the door and let us in. She took us downstairs to the basement where we'd be staying. Of course, the only thing we cared about was if there was wifi and how to log on. And she did that, too. Great.

The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast together. All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast. We didn't do this at home when it was just the three of us. Each of us ran on our own schedule. My dad went to work. We went to school. And on weekends when we were home, we were all in our own little world. 

All four of us sat at the table and ate breakfast for two hours. I can't remember what we ate for breakfast that day, and I know I finished eating probably after about 30 minutes. And that was stretching out my eating. For the rest of the time, she and my dad talked. We maybe replied to a question occasionally, but most of the time, they talked to each other, and we sat there and watched and listened. I can't remember how breakfast finally ended, but my brother and I felt very very awkward. 

One night, we all went to Red Lobster for dinner. She and my dad sat next to each other in the booth and my brother and I sat next to each other across from them. We ate dinner, and once again, most of the conversation was had by the two of them while my brother and I sat quietly, ate, and listened. The rest of the dinner is fuzzy, but I remember thinking to myself: We look like a normal family of four, a father, a mother, a son, and a daughter, eating dinner together.....but we're not.

After dinner, she took us to a park with a path along the shoreline. We walked for a bit, and she pointed out that this was the dry side of Washington. If we crossed the lake to the other side, that was Seattle, the wetter side. 

We left Washington and continued the rest of our road trip back home. We drove through Colorado and stopped at Arches National Park. We went to see the cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde National Park. Both of these were great parks. I didn't near appreciate it as much then as I would now if I went back, but we also didn't explore either to their full extent.

After coming back home, my dad asked us at dinner one night what we thought of the woman in Washington. Neither of us said much. We didn't know what to say. Did we like her? What does it mean to like her? As a person? As the role she would fill? Did we even want that role filled? Time passed and the phone calls stopped. We never heard anything about her after that. We never went back to visit. To this day I can't remember what her name was. 

For the last 12 years, someone else has taken over that "spot." And throughout these years I've been learning more about myself, my grief, and the sore spots you shouldn't mess with ever. And sometimes, I remember all the way back to when we drove out on a random road trip to meet a random woman I didn't know. And however awkward it felt at the time, I now realize, that would have been fine. The awkwardness may have remained in a way, but everything would have worked together much better.  I didn't know it at the time, but I liked the other woman. I liked her poise, her personality, and who she was. I discussed this with a friend, and he phrased the exact revelation I came to in such an elegant way.

She was self-confident and mature, and she understood her potential role in your life. Yes. She did not pretend to be something she could not be.

I never wanted another mother much less a stepmother. I never wanted another grandmother for my children. I never wanted someone to waltz into my life and fill the hole. The hole is still there. It always will be. I wanted someone to be a companion to my dad and realize that she was nobody special to me unless I wanted her to be because those are separate roles. And I wanted her to realize even if I never wanted her to be anyone in my life, that was okay, and to let it be okay. 

I liked the other woman. 

We're Painting Again: Part 2

Catch up with Part 1 here.

Within a week, we finished painting the built-in shelves and cabinets in my music studio. I'm very pleased with the way it turned out. We are not completely done with the project yet as we have to paint the shelves and doors, but that can and will be done outside of the house.

At the end of part 1, we left off at one coat of primer. We made the decision to put on two coats of primer and two coats of paint because this shelf was going to be used almost daily.

We had a little helper come in for a few minutes to assist us 😊

Still looking a little grainy and uneven after the second coat of primer. That's ok. Here's where good paint comes in and works its magic.

Already looking so much smoother after the first coat of paint. It was also way faster to put on. I was able to paint a coat in an hour by myself. 

This is the final look after the second coat of paint (and before I cleaned up...) 

I love the way this shelf turned out. It brightens the entire room and I'm still pleasantly surprised when I walk into my studio and have this bright white shelf next to me instead of what used to be brown. I'm not against wood altogether, but the original stain, finish, and grain of the wood just did not complement the colors we had chosen to use in the rest of the space. 

I'm really excited to finish the rest of the shelving, except all the rain we've been getting has put a damper on my progress. Ideally, I would need two hot and dry days to finish priming and painting. The plan is to put on two coats of primer and only one coat of paint, although I may put on a second coat of paint if everything dries in a timely manner. I would takeover the garage for two days, prime, flip, prime, flip, prime, flip, prime, flip, and then call it a day. Then, I'd do the same thing on the second day except I would paint, flip, paint, flip, paint, flip, and paint. 

On nice, hot Texas summers, I can recoat after about 1-2 hours. We...haven't gotten there yet, weather-wise. So the rest of our project is on a temporary pause until the weather cooperates and throws me some sun and heat. But I'm okay with that. 

Fortunately, the shelf is now a beautiful, clean white. Unfortunately, our wall paint looks a little peachy now...I foresee painting the wall in our future. Once I pile up the shelf with stuff, maybe it'll help tone down the white a little bit? 🙈

We're Painting Again!: Part 1

When we were first buying houses, one of our "must-haves" was no wood paneling. Unfortunately, this requirement wasn't met when we bought our house. Actually, a lot of requirements weren't met when we bought our house. So when we moved into our house, we hired someone and had the wood paneling painted.

There were two built-in shelves in our house we did not have painted in order to save money. One was in our breakfast nook and one was in what is now my piano studio. It worked for the time being because only the shelf was left natural wood so it was acceptable. But I would often teeter totter between thinking it was fine the way it was and wanting it to be painted to match the rest of the room.

With the Covid situation improving, I am currently getting ready to reopen my studio and have students return in person for lessons if they choose to. I was also in one of my moods where I wasn't quite happy anymore with the way the shelf looked.

Natural '80s wood glory. Finding a place to
temporarily put all of my piano music was a challenge.

Painters charge more to paint wood paneling because it's been stained and sealed. In order to get paint to properly adhere, there's a couple options:

1. you sand down the wood to remove the finish

2. you use really nice primer and paint (typically oil-based)

3. you clean the entire surface with a strong cleaner (TSP, krud kutter, etc.)

4. some combination of the above options

We never officially got a quote to paint this shelf, but my guess is someone would have charged between the $600-$1,000 range to prime and paint this shelf inside and out. My guess is it would have cost us more than average because a painter would likely choose to spray normally. However, because my piano is in this room, I would never let anyone spray paint. Even if they said they'd cover everything, I would not trust it enough to do it. And then they'd charge you more to paint it by hand because it's more work. So we chose to do it ourselves. 

It seems like we started this project on a whim, which we kind of did, but there's actually been years of experience and thought put into it.

- we painted our own kitchen cabinets and 6 years later, they've held up really well considering it's a very high-trafficked area of our house

- we found a better type of paint and primer since then that holds up better than the one we used in our kitchen

- we have leftover painting supplies

- now is the time to do it if we don't want my studio to look like a construction zone when my students are back

Prep is key.

It actually didn't look terrible after I wiped the entire thing down with
TSP and 20 paper towels. But I'm still painting it.
Also since we have plenty of masks lying around, it was great not to inhale the spray. 

First coat of primer.

I was laughing at myself because less than a month ago, I'd told myself I was done with home improvement projects for a while. Our various handyman experiences from last month left me exhausted. And here we are again...I told a friend we were starting this project and her response was, "You're just bored at home, aren't you?" 😅

Clearly, this past year has had such an effect on me.

So this is how we started another house project and plan to finish hopefully within the next 3 weeks before my students come back. So far of the friends I've talked to, one is sad the wood is going and three are excited. Which side do you fall on? 

Stay tuned for the budget breakdown and final look!

Read Part 2 here.

A Slice of Time

When I think of losing my mother as an event, it's usually a sad and somber memory. It reminds me of how short our time was, the things I wish I could have changed, and the life we will never get to share with each other. But at the same time, I'm reminded of the wonderful memories and the people who were able to share them with me in the year which followed, fondly remembered as 8th grade.

1. 

I had a friend drop off a teddy bear for me at my house. She didn't come in or anything, just left it for me. She told me later she wanted me to have something to hug or hold when I was feeling sad. It was very sweet of her. She wasn't the emotional/sentimental type. She didn't wear her emotions on her sleeve. She was very hard to read. But she dropped off a teddy bear for me after my mother died.

2. 

A few of my friends made my 14th birthday very special. They decorated my locker at school because that was how friends showed their appreciation for you in middle school. It was the first and only time I'd ever had my locker decorated. They used purple plaid wrapping paper with gold ribbon. A picture of a teddy bear was glued onto it along with some fake flowers, and they'd written Happy Teddy Bear Day instead of Happy Birthday. They knew me so well, and although a little embarrassing, I really loved it. After taking it down, I kept it in my bedroom at home for several years because it was so special to see what my friends had done for me. 

3.

My dad hired a nanny that year. She picked me up from school and then prepared dinner for us while we waited for my brother. After he came home, she'd finish cooking and leave around 5:30. This way, I was never at home by myself. It was a little strange at first, having a nanny as a teenager. Unfortunately, it was short lived. She wrecked her car one afternoon on the way to pick me up. That was the last day I saw her because she wasn't getting another car and therefore could not fulfill her duties. Ironically, it worked out better (in my opinion) because I began to carpool with a friend, and I had about an hour to myself before my brother got home from the high school. Almost every Monday and Wednesday after that, I would spend the first 45 minutes at home talking on the phone. It was nice. Being home alone, talking on the phone with a friend, enjoying my freedom. I was still a straight A student and finished all of my work on time. But that was fun, getting to do something myself without needing to ask permission.

***

I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis from middle school anymore. Am I friends with some of them? Yes. And if I ever ran into them at the store or on the side of the street or by chance in another city, I would definitely stop and say hi. But despite the radio silence, they have a special place in my life which even my husband does not have the honor. They are the people who lived with me through this life-changing event when it occurred. They were the ones who would have AIM conversations with me after school. They were the ones who sat with me in the cafeteria at lunch. They were the ones who knew who I was when it happened, as it happened. And all of those moments are forever sealed in the capsule that is "the year after my mother died."

I don't wish to go back to the year after my mother died. Although fond memories, that's all they are. But these people. These people get to be a part of my memories. I hope they know how special they are for the memories they are a part of.